First of all, let me say that I did not write this letter. I do not want to take credit from my friend, Jenn, who obviously put a lot of thought and time into it! Our families received referrals for our girls on the same day, and they were buddies at the same orphanage! We even visited with each others kids in Ethiopia:) That being said, they will be leaving next week to bring their daughter home! In preparation, she wrote this beautiful letter.....so please take the time to read it because it sums up where our family has been these past few weeks and where we continue go! Just insert Amina's name in the letter (in your mind) and hear the message of the letter. It is wonderfully written!
Dear Family & Friends,
After the last year of waiting, our precious Ayana is almost home! We know that each of you receiving this letter has in some way, supported. loved and prayed for us. Because we know that you care for Ayana and our family, we want to share with you some information that we hope will best equip everyone around her to assist us in laying the strongest and healthiest foundation -emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
In many ways, Ayana will be like the children who entered our family through birth; we will parent like other Christian families as we bring all of them up in the instruction and discipline of the Lord. But there will be a few initial differences. For quite some time now, we have researched bonding and attachment in children, especially those come home through adoption from an institutional orphanage setting.
We are confident of this: God's design is perfect! His plan for parents and children is a beautiful and meaningful picture of his love for us. Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time when a baby has a physical or emotional need and communicates that need. The primary caretaker (usually mommy) meets the need and soothes the child. This repeats between a parent and child over and over to create trust within the child for that parent; the baby is hungry, cries in distress, mom feeds and calms the baby. - which teaches her that this person is safe and can be trusted. By God' very design, an emotional foundation is laid in the tiniest of babies, which will affect their learning, conscience, growth and future relationships. the security provided by parents will ultimately give children a trust for and empathy towards others.
Children who come home through adoption have experienced interruptions in this typical attachment process. The loss of a biological mother at an early age can be a major trauma on their little hearts. The good news is that we can now, as Ayana's parents and forever family, rebuild attachment and help her heal from these emotional wounds. When Ayana comes home, she will be overwhelmed. Everything around her will be new and she will need to learn not just about her new environment, but also about love and family. She has not experienced God's design for a family in an orphanage setting. The best way for us to form a parent/child bond is to be the ones to hold, snuggle, instruct, soothe and feed her. As this repeats between us, she will be able to learn that parents are safe to trust and to love deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn/parent connection. Once Ayana starts to establish this important bond, she will then be able to branch out to other, healthy relationships.
Ayana will have, what may seem like, a lot of structure, boundaries and close proximity to us. Please know that these decsions are prayerfully and thoughtfully made choices based on immense amounts of research and instruction from trusted adoption mentors. We will be doing what we believe is best to help her heal from those interruptions in attachment as effectively as possible. Why are we telling you this? Because you will actually play an awesome and vital role in helping our Ayana settle in, heal, and lay a foundation for the future. There are a few areas in which you can help us:
The first is to set physical boundaries. It will help us immensely if adults limit what is typically considered normal, physical contact with Ayana. This will include thing like holding, hugging and kissing. Children from orphanage settings are prone to attach easily to anyone and everyone - which hinders the important, primary relationship with parents. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcomed! Ayana should know that the people whom she interacts with are trusted friends.
Another area is redirecting Ayana's desire to have physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including strangers) to having us meet them. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they as a survival mechanism, become overly charming towards all adults. A child struggling to learn to attach may exhibit indiscriminate affection with people outside of their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are "very friendly" but this is actually quite dangerous for the child. Please understand that we want nothing more than to have Ayana hugged, cuddled and cherished by all of you (because she is totally irresistible and huggable). But until she has a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, we would be so grateful if you would direct her to us if you see that she is seeking out food, affection or comfort.
We are incredibly blessed to have so many loved ones around us. We couldn't ask for a better extended family & circle of friends for our precious Ayana. Thank you so much for your love and support over this adoption process. If you have any questions please feel free to ask at any time!
We love you all,
The Bachmans
